Courage to follow your dreams
follow your dreams Dec 04, 2016
Have you ever really wanted to do something, but that voice in your head talked you out of it - convinced you that it wasn’t the right time, or you weren’t really good enough? That's happened to me.
You see, I have always loved music, dance and theatre. My 10th birthday present was family tickets to a touring Russian ballet company. I remember being absorbed in how the dancers moved and the exquisite feeling of the vibration of music and awe coursing through me. I had dreams ever since then of moving in that way - the freedom, grace and finesse of a small movement conveyed so much.
My passion and secret desire to do a degree in music performance became just that - a secret desire. I grew up in the height of feminism where girls could do anything - especially bright intelligent girls as I was. To do something so frivolous as dance or sing was such a waste. I had the opportunity to be anything I could. Generations of women before me had worked so hard to enable this possibility that I owed a debt of gratitude to them and needed to take up the opportunities available (or so the self talk in my head lead me to believe). The pressure to get a "meaningful career” won out - in my case that meant academia; studying people: how they think and how to help them heal. So I split myself into my dream space (expansive exquisite movement and joyful music vibration) and my day to day life.
I have certainly enjoyed my life so far. I have loved the way my therapy practice has evolved and all that I have learned from the tens of thousands of sessions with people who have come to see me. The wisdom I have gained is something I wouldn't have missed for anything. I know I have been following my soul purpose and I am truely grateful for that. Music and performance had become one of those things that I enjoyed by osmosis - a passion on the side that I could explore outside of work hours.
A few years ago my husband arranged singing lessons for me. He said that one of the first things that attracted him to me was my voice and he encouraged me to follow my passion again. In spite of having sung for years before I had my family, I found these lessons to be more therapy than singing. I recognised and cleared many old genetic blocks and beliefs that I had allowed to limit me all those years ago concerning being allowed to be me, having a voice, being worthy of being heard and seen. It seems strange that I could easily give keynote addresses at conferences, lecture hundreds of students at university, give talks at international conventions and passionately lead seminars around the country where I shared my love of people, our connection and how we can evolve, but to sing? Well, this was where my old genetic and collective conscious blocks seemed to have an outlet! Dagnabbit!
So this year, 40 years after I was taken to the Russian ballet, I plucked up the courage to audition for our local operatic society production of Mary Poppins. It was exhilarating. Being amongst so many talented people was amazing. I loved learning the harmonies for Supercalifraglistic. For weeks before the big day I woke up in the wee hours with the harmonies going through my head.
The dance audition? Remember those movie or comedy scenes where a dance troupe go through their routines and someone is thrust on stage and does everything back to front? Well, that was me. Within the first 30 seconds it was obvious I was over my head. The people in front of me gave beautiful demonstrations of Grace and (hidden behind their easy moves) Dedication. I, too, gave beautiful demonstrations of Grace and Dedication as, within two bumbling steps, I was able to clearly show that I had dedicated my formative years to other endeavours! It was a great opportunity to have fun and give things a go. The director graciously allowed me to continue, as I missed cue after cue - my “gentle leaps” were thuds followed by my laughter. Remarkably enough I got called back to audition for Miss Andrew the Nasty Nanny, which amazed my singing teacher as she didn't think I had a nasty bone in my body. I jokingly said I’d channel certain people I knew. And then the challenge began!
Between my dance audition and the call back I woke in the wee hours with the closest thing to a panic attack I have ever had. Now, I’ve learned enough over the years to realise that what I was being bombarded with on that night was not “my stuff” as such, but a collection of genetic and historical beliefs which I had been exposed to. Even so, the extent of these negative beliefs surprised me. The sabotaging self talk that emerged was very potent and I recognised it as the internal voice that I had known for what seemed like forever - and I knew for certain that it wasn’t my own. Like that nasty nanny, Miss Andrew, this voice came from fear and multi-generationally held rigid beliefs. The vitriol and anger was phenomenal.
And then I realised that Miss Andrew was an analogy for some of the negative self talk that the majority of us have - and not just in me. The tyrannical voice that said how we were meant to be; that was saying I would be a bad mother if I focused on my dreams rather than being there for my children; that asked who was I to do this; that focused on fear rather than Love; on dark rather than Light; part of the collective conscious that holds millions of us back from living a Light-filled life.
In those wee hours of the night, as I chose to transform and heal this old pattern of thinking, I was shown how these old imprints and beliefs have bombard our hormones, our nervous system, our bones and our very being. They have created a web around us that we have mistakenly worn as our structure and taken on as our identity. They have shaped our beliefs about what is right and wrong. They hold us back and keep us small.
My bumbling steps at the audition lead to forgiveness of my ancestors for thinking they had to be that way and for their fear of doing something wrong or being unacceptable. I forgave myself for having listened to “that voice” for all these years. I released the collective conscious fear that had driven this pattern for so long and recognised how we can be the best version of ourselves and in the process support others to be the best version of themselves. With Love, Joy and with discernment for the Highest and Best.
I asked to be shown a Lighter, Higher and more loving template for being human. The dark web of this old patterning was pushed away. My body felt free in a way that was new to me and a completely new level of Joy and connection came in. I had a new understanding of how old resentments have held us back and taken so much of our energy.
In the past I’ve had moments where I felt connected to everything. The proverbial sitting on a mountain recognising that we are all one. This new understanding felt different- inviting a new loving collective conscious to tap into. I’m still growing and evolving with it, but already I'm grateful for the opportunity it has given me.
So, if you ever wake in the wee hours with limiting thoughts buzzing through your head, ask yourself is this really me or an old genetic or historical belief system waiting to be cleared? Ask how much those beliefs have become your structure, or become imbedded in your identity and what it feels like to be free from them. Look to see what your ancestors were intending to learn or protect themselves from through these and decide if you are ready to change and heal them. Release yourself of the obligation to do things their way. Know that you have the courage and strength to transform this and that it is possible to be without these old beliefs. Realise that the template for how to be without this fear and old patterning already exists for you to tap into.
Oh, and if you know of an adult ballet class let me know. Next year at the auditions I would like to turn left when everyone else does, land gently from a leap and rotate without feeling seasick! Having said goodbye to the Miss Andrew of the collective consciousness with forgiveness and gratitude, I'm going to really enjoy being able to move with grace and joy as well as continue with my amazing work!